Sigh. Remember how hyped I was for Oneechanbara becoming a full-length feature film? Yeah, I’d like to get off the hype train at the next stop, please.
It’s not that it’s filled with cheese and bad acting (Because seriously, what else would you expect?), it’s that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen better cheesecake action in dirty, softcore sentai videos. In other B gaming news, I finally have a partner again in the Earth Defense Force. Soon, the achievements shall be mine!
“The captain is dead! FOLLOW THE CAPTAIN! EDF! EDF!“
Sweet zombie Jesus, yes! Everyone’s favorite bikini-girls-zombie-slasher is heading to theatres! Between this and The Machine Girl, 2008 is already the greatest year in modern movie history. That is of course, if you really enjoy half-naked cheesecake models dishing out ridiculous amounts of violence. For those who aren’t totally aware of what I’m talking check out the trailer for The Machine Girl.
Today is a fantastic day to be reading! Now if only I actually had the time to do it. I’m a bit slammed as far as work goes this week as I’m having to play catch up for being out sick all last week, but I really wanted to share three stories that have been making the rounds.
Mass Effect features “customizable sodomy” - I don’t know whether he realizes it or not, but conservative blogger Kevin McCullough just so happens to use the Internet. An Internet that is home to some of the most out-of-bounds, mind-boggling acts of sexuality available on the face the planet. How he considers Mass Effect to feature “the most realistic sex acts ever conceived,” we may never know. I always thought that, you know, “doin’ the dirty” was the most realistic one could get. What follows is an entry so out of control that all it needs is the Onion logo in the corner.
Chris and Patrick have a Boll - While I was out seeing Juno twice this weekend (Anyone else want to see it? I can go for three.), my buddies Chris and Patrick were out doing their gaming duty and checking out the latest Uwe Boll flick for Dungeon Siege. Hilarity ensues.
Todd Holland (The Wizard) interview - AICN catches up with Todd Holland, director of the 1989 cinema classic, The Wizard. This will become much more important later this month, but if you love The Wizard as much as I do, you’ll want to check out this interview. Having read it, my conclusion is that the original script must have been shit and that Todd Holland is some sort of mangod.
I’m not sure which I’m more sick of hearing. That someone is going to “take full advantage of the Wii’s unique capabilities” or that Juno is this years Little Miss Sunshine, as if there has never been an exceedingly fantastic independent film before. Having been in bed sick all this week (check out my Twitter history for that sorid tale), I managed to not only eat solid food today, but I also dragged myself to the theatre to finally see it. I’d say the power of Cera compelled me, but I’m also sure that the hiatus of Avatar had something to do with it.
For the first 20 minutes or so I could hear the neighing and braying of film snobs grinding their way through the back of my skull. If anyone has told you that Juno, as a film, is way too smart for its own good, they’re probably right. Fortunately, as someone who has sat through roughly five seasons of Gilmore Girls, rapid-fire delivery of entirely too-witty lines doesn’t seem to phase me anymore. It’s never obnoxious to the point of pretentiousness, but that’s because it does less talking out of its own ass than most people seem to realize. If you don’t catch the My So-Called Life shout out towards the end, you probably weren’t the target to begin with.
What I appreciate most of all is how tight of a production it is. Clocking in at 90 minutes, Juno makes a beeline from beginning to end without wasting a scene or trying anyone’s patience. I’ve sat through far too many games and movies recently that fall apart in their final act, so having something with a bit of, you know, logical progression was incredibly refreshing. Seeing Ellen Page’s Juno evolve from the catty know-it-all to the vulnerable center of the world makes me want to prepare the riot squad for when it gets snubbed this year by the likes of Hairspray and Sweeney Todd.
Uhg. What a horrible year for Hollywood. Go see Juno. If not for Michael Cera’s junk.
I’m not sure which I’m more sick of hearing. That someone is going to “take full advantage of the Wii’s unique capabilities” or that 
